Cinema Rules

Yesterday I went to see Mamma Mia for the second time and it was RUINED AGAIN by some tragic woman who sat next to me who decided to treat me to her singing EVERY song in the movie.
The first time I went I was seated next to a friend of a friend who sang all the songs - I gave her 'the look' but it made no difference. I knew she was having marital troubles (who isn't though?) and thought 'oh well I'll just go and see it again' because I couldn't really get into the movie because of her singing.
But again. This time a complete stranger. I'd like to know what the thought process is. Do they believe that they truly have a brilliant voice that those around them would rather hear them than the actors they have PAID to see? If so that is sheer arrogance.
Or are they that self absorbed that they want to sing and don't give a rats about anyone else?? Or has noone told them that it is not the done thing in a cinema? If they are truthfully that ignorant then surely they would have realised that noone else was singing.
Or do they think we are impressed that they know all the words? EVERYONE KNOWS all the words to Abba. It's true. Even my husband who hates Abba (I know sacriledge) knows all the words to Mamma Mia.
Also to the old man who sat behind me and made 'smart' (in his mind) comments the whole way through the movie ( a la George Costanza ) NOONE cares what you think. You ruined it for everybody. We want to enter in to the imaginary world of the movie that we have paid to see, not listen to your stupid comments about what is or isn't funny, or where you have seen that actress before. JUST SHUT UP.
And people: please, the ads go on for ages and ages. The previews go on for ages and ages. WHY do you wait until the quiet bit at the start of the movie to open your crinkly wrapper?? And why does it take you so long to open a wrapper? It is not that hard. Open it and off. That's all. Why does it take you minutes? Are you folding the crinkly wrapper? It sounds like it. If so you are a complete idiot.
I say this every time I go to the movies - that there needs to be a list, a cinema-going list which explains to all buttheads out there how to behave in a movie.

1 Do not allow your child go to a movie that is rated M. All the people in the movie are looking at you and thinking you are a crap parent. Take them to a G or PG - if not get a babysitter.

2. Open crinkly wrappers in the previews. It's not hard.

3. NO TALKING. You can talk in the ads. You can talk in the previews - but after that SHUT THE HELL UP.

4. Turn off your damn mobile phone. And don't send messages in silent mode. That bright light is distracting everyone around you and they think you're a knob.

5. In a kids movie do not allow your child to run up and down the stairs. It is annoying and distracting for those of us who have bothered to discipline our children. If your kids do this, they are not ready for the cinema yet. Take them to a park.

6. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT come to the cinema with a cold. Or a cough. Or sniffles. Everyone in the cinema will want to kill you.

That's all I can think of right now - if you can think of anymore let me know.

I feel like printing these off and handing them out outside my local cinema!

I'm ALIVE! But not without new dramas to whine about

Well... I'm alive. I made it. And believe it or not - regretfully I have no high drama to report!
We were surprisingly, I can hardly believe it myself, shockingly, abnormally (for us) NORMAL.
The first night we got there my father in law bought me a bottle of wine! Aah he's worked out the key to my heart! Alas it was lambrusco sweet stuff - but NO MATTER I am not so heartless as to not appreciate the gesture.
It pretty much stayed good from then on. There was a wobbly moment when my sister in law asked if my dress was supposed to have straps (!) BUT I got past it. I didn't snap. Didn't even bite. I must be maturing. Well, maybe. If I was mature I suppose I wouldn't have had a bit too much wine and orange at the reception and danced like a dork.

Ah me.

BUT I am not completely without drama. I must vent. Now don't get me wrong, I have some truly excellent friends. I do. They often come through for me - especially last birthday - that was great! BUT sometimes it seems that they conspire to irritate me.
Now we didn't get back form our mini-holiday until late last night. They knew this. This morning found my house with dirty clothes, suitcases, crap souvenirs and assorted other piles strewn from one end to the other. And after a solid diet of alcohol and oily petrol station food, husband and I were having a sleep-in. The kids were rediscovering their love for the Playstation - having been away from it for gosh -four days.
Anyway, 9 am. the phone rings. 'Sorry did I wake you? Can you look after my kids today at 11? Just for a couple of hours?'
Yep. No worries. It's the Mr Mum from school and he's nice - fixed my computer on a number of occasions AND helped me with my radio assignment last year (he went to some prestigious radio school) so I owe him. I got a high distinction for the assignment.
I lie there mentally calculating how little food there is in the house. Enough milk for hubby and I to have a coffee and make the kids cereal? Yep. But not enough for friend No.2 and her two kids who pop in just as I'm leaving to go the shops. They stay and stay and stay - 2 cuppas and then friend No.3 rings to find out now wedding was, and is a little put-out to discover friend 2 there and she has not been invited too. Aaargh - friendship politics.
'Maybe I'll come around too' she says. Did I mention that the two little girls from next door are here at this stage? Yep. So there's currently 7 kids in my house. Playing nicely admittedly. If friend 3 comes that will make 10 kids and NO FOOD. And I missed church Sunday so it's not likely I'm gonna be able to pull a loaves and fishes miracle.
'Yes of course you can come over' I say to friend 3 (what else could I say?)
She wants to know how long friend 2 is staying. The answer? 'Half an hour'. HALF AN HOUR?? Dammit. She's already stayed awhile. 'Oh' says friend 3 'we're still in our pjs' Lucky you I think. She wants me to say - 'that's ok just come when you're ready' - but I can't. It'll turn into an all day thing - and I'm not up for it.
Also, hubby is looking at me aghast. He's taken the day off specially from work (he has his own business) so that we can veg, relax, and do the whole holiday recovery thing.
So then friend number 1 arrives, drops off his (admittedly adorable) children.
Are you exhausted yet? I was too.
Friend 2 leaves. I drive off to the shops for desperately needed supplies, leaving hubby with 7 CHILDREN!
When I get back from hunter-gathering I have just unpacked the bag with the tampons in it (sorry to male readers) when friend 1 arrives. Hubby frantically stashes tampons into knife and fork draw - where actually they remain now - and he settles in for a cuppa and a chat - til 3.30. We get into a bit of a tiff when he brings up the death penalty. This is no mere idle chit chat. He's for, I'm against. But he doesn't hold it against me.
As we are waving him goodbye, my girls announce that they are going to play at the neighbours.

Phew.
So that was my day. So. This is what I think. Did you hear that Australia's PM Kevin Rudd convened a summit - he called it the 2020 Summit - that was basically a talkfest to generate new ideas for Australi'as future? They discussed environmental issues, taxation etc. ANYWAY - stay with me, I promise I'm not getting political - I reckon there needs to be a similar summit for 21st century etiquette. All those unwritten rules that aren't carved in stone, but really ought to be...
Like not arriving uninvited at someone's house who has just gotten home from holiday.
And stop tricking your neighbours by putting out your recycling bin when it's not the recycling fortnight - I fall for this one all the time. Sometimes I think the neighbours are just having a laugh!
And not answering your mobile phone in the movies. This should attract an automatic expulsion. And for all you uni students out there - not in a lecture either - no call is THAT important.
No use of the word 'ironical'
Flush the toilet.
Don't tell people when you have diarrhoea. NOONE WANTS TO KNOW!
Don't lick your fingers to turn the pages of books - its unecessary. If it won't turn, keep trying!
No going to closed-in unventilated places when you are clearly full of the cold - and don't send your sick kids to school either thankyou very much!
No sending the results of your children's sporting achievements - no kidding I once got an email from someone with their kids swimming lap times! I did not reply.

It's late - but I'm sure there are many more. If I think of them I will post - or feel free to add your own!

Goodnight - tomorrow we are going on a picnic to the beach. Lovely. School holidays go too fast.

Oh - and one more thing - I realise that ALL parents think their children are brilliant - but how's this? Miss 5 asked me where she was when I was a kid!

They're creepy and they're kooky...

I am afraid. Very afraid.
I am going away for the weekend. Sounds good huh? Sounds - maybe even...fun? No?

Did I mention that I am going away with my in-laws? Did I mention that they intensely, scarily dislike me? Did I mention that we are staying in the SAME HOUSE? Did I mention that I am terrified? Did I mention that my crazy money-obsessed sister in law is going too?

PRAY FOR ME. I am truly terrified. And I have decided to wear a strapless dress to the formal wedding that we are attending - something that they are sure to have an opinion on. My mother-in-law dresses like a man - she is wearing a black suit, and my sister in law is a size 300 and tried to get me to wear one of her old dresses. Very generous - but I'm a size 10!
For my brother in laws wedding I wore an excellent top - made by Cue ( it cost $115 and it was very 'smart' if I do say so myself!) that my mother in law spent the night tugging up. I kid you not. She actually came up to me and hoiked it up. Now you may assume that it was low cut or something - it wasn't! Truly! I've worn it to uni since - and it's actually quite modest! The shock of her actions rendered me useless. To my eternal regret I didn't slap her hands away!


Anyway if I disappear - never to be heard from again - will you alert the authorities???
How on earth am I going to sneak out of the house to get my hair done before the wedding? My husband, totally oblivious to it all - says just go! BUT IT DOESN"T WORK LIKE THAT!!!

Not with them. Not with them! I may have to climb out a window.

If I haven't posted after this weekend please alert the authorities! It means I've offended them (again) by wearing lipstick or something...

Truth In Lyrics

Just a quickie tonight - I just got home from church and need to put the tribe to bed.
BUT I just wanted to write about the irony in some songs after I heard on the radio Elton John singing 'I Wanna Kiss The Bride'. Hardy har har. Circa 80s? Shouldn't it now be changed - I mean now that we know he'd rather kiss the groom? The best man? But not the bride surely?
It's like that Nirvana song - the name, if I ever knew it escapes me - where he drones 'I swear I don't have a gun'. Clearly he did.
Also when I hear early Britney songs. Like 'I'm not a girl, not yet a woman, all I need is time'. Hmmm. THOSE lyrics don't ring true either!
I hope she gets it together!

The World's Crappiest Looking Cake

Is this not the crappiest looking cake you have ever seen? Believe me - I did not make this - I found it on the net under a link for 'ballerina cake'. Where is her waist?

Really, I am TERRIBLE at cakes - hence the reason I was surfing the net at 10 oclock at night searching for inspiration but this effort is... not great. I can just imagine the look on any little girls face if you served up this lopsided wobbly looking ballerina.

Usually I just make a packet cake and SMOTHER it in lollies - the kids don't seem to mind OR I buy it from the bakery - worth every cent. BUT I was feeling all motherly and able and downright Martha-ish but truly this cake is a let down. I got all excited when I saw there was a 'ballerina cake'. Guess I'll just go for the lolly cake again.

HTTP://WNW.you tube.com/watch?v=haj480LAY

This made me bawl my eyes out. Mind you, I was nastily hungover. But still...

An afternoon in bed and still irked.

Ok. So I survived netball coaching - did i write about that in my last post? I think I did - if not - guess what I'm doing??
Ha. It was actually quite fun, believe it or not - except we have a pain-in-the-butt child on the team - you know the type - only child, demanding... her name is Bethany, but we are calling her Veruca (after the 'I want it now' girl from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.)
I have had a really nice week. 'Nice' -now there's a word. The highlight of my week - so far - has been spending the afternoon in bed with my husband. Yes, nice very very very nice. Twice.
AND yesterday when a girl from uni asked me to proofread her essay for her coz of 'the high quality work I turn in'. Ahem. Nice. Quite.

BUT alas you should know that I MUST have a gripe. I must I simply must - and it is this: Why the hell does nobody RSVP anymore??
OK. Background. Miss 7 is having a mega party at the rollerskating and it is costing me $14 PER CHILD and she managed to narrow it down to 26 of her nearest and dearest. BUT the powerbrokers at the rollerskating charge me if people don't show up. So -lets say I tell them 20 are coming - and only 19 show up - I still have to pay for 20. HUH!! Now you may be automatically sneaky like me and think - well I'll just say 15 he-he and if more show up then more show up. NO! They have thought of this too. They SET THE TABLE for just the right amount in advance. And only cook like 1 sausage roll per child IN ADVANCE. Clever clever roller-skaters. So you are FORCED to tell them the exact number - or else certain children don't get fed - which is fine by me, coz there are certain ones (You Veruca) that i don't particularly like. But you can be sure to be sure that Veruca will push her way to a table setting and poor lovely Jasmin will miss out. Or gorgeous BJ. Or some other LIKEABLE child.
So you see, the roller-skaters have me over a barrel.

Now, hypocritically, I am not an RSVPer. Like most parents I am busy - and I mean to I truly do, but it's so BORING to RSVP isn't it? And really I have little respect for those who do RSVP too early. It reeks of desperation truthfully.
However, I, like most non-RSVPers when chased down by the party parent in the school carpark am able to tell them whether my darling child is or isn't coming. That's the respectable way to do it. That's the way it has always been done. Status quo and all that. Goodo.

BUT NOW there has been a change and I sense anarchy dear reader. When I chased parents today in the carpark they were saying 'What day is it?' 'What time?'
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??
I gave you an invitation - I waited a long while, now you must know whether you plan to attend - it's in 48 hours time. And no I CANNOT ARRANGE A LIFT FOR YOUR CHILD - that is just rude and slack and fairly shoddy in my opinion. I don't care, at this late stage if you are working, the time has passed for that quite frankly, just tell me if you are sending your child. That's all. That's it.
One father even had the nerve to look irritated when I asked whether he could let me know - when I explained about the mercenary roller-skating people. The nerve - him looking annoyed. I wasn't being irritating. I did it with all social rules attached. I was laconic. I was amused.

Hmmm... I am irked. Irked. Love that word. I am irked.